A perfect justice

Losing an unborn child can feel like an injustice. That's one of the hardest things I have had to wrestle with in my mind over the past several weeks since we found out our baby was not alive anymore. It feels so unjust.

I will never get to hold my baby. I will never get to brush her hair, or help him with homework. I will never get to say his or her name to him. I will never get to have a relationship with him, or teach her about Jesus. I will never get to teach him to ride a bike, and play dress-up with her. I will never know this baby, his personality, her hobbies, interests. I will never hear him say, "Mom, I love you," or just simply, "Mom."

It feels so unjust. I never got a chance to be this baby's mom, and this baby never got a chance to experience life on this earth. He will never get to see the Grand Canyon, or the beautiful coastline of Italy. She will never learn the piano or read a brilliant novel. All of the wonderful things that this life has to offer are no longer within her fingertips. A family is out of his grasp. A chance to know his parents and a chance for her parents to know her... vanished.


The more I have thought about this... the more I realize how very wrong I am. Though it does feel unfair, I am forgetting the most beautiful part of the story. I am forgetting that when that heart stopped beating in my baby's tiny little chest, he immediately was in the presence of the "Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Prince of Peace..." He was immediately in the arms of Christ.

The pain I have been through in my loss and grief, my baby will never have to walk through. The tears I have cried will never fall from her eyes. She will never hurt. She will never be sick. She will never be sad or heartbroken. She will never have cancer. He will never have a broken leg. He will never be afraid. She will never be lonely or feel unloved. He will never fail. He will never experience rejection. She will always feel joy. There will be no darkness. She will always be singing, which I can't imagine anything more special than hearing my little one sing.

My baby is forever in the presence of her Maker, and that is far greater than anything this world (or me, her mom) has to offer. There is nothing greater. I selfishly want my baby to experience life, but I really just want to get a chance to hold her and love on her. As much as I want to hold him, God wants to hold him so much more. God loves my baby way more than I can ever imagine, and He is overjoyed to have him forevermore with him walking the beautiful streets of gold. God gets to hear my baby sing to Him everyday in a beautiful voice. And though I would have loved to hear my child say her first word ("Mama", of course), God got to hear her say it instead. She said "Jesus, Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty... Jesus.." What a beautiful thing, for the first face to see to be your Maker. I wanted to be that person that my little one saw first, but he got to see the face of Christ.

This may seem unfair, but to me, now, all I can think about is how much joy my baby feels. He got to open his eyes and see Jesus, and whisper his name first. He gets to walk streets of gold instead of nasty New Orleans pot-holed roads. He gets to live this way forever, and I don't ever want to take that priviledge away.

Letting go of my baby requires me to hand him to Jesus, and there is no one better to take care of him, no one. I am so thankful that I decided many years ago to believe that Jesus is Lord and give my life to serve Him. Because of that decision and God's grace in my life, I get to not only meet this perfect little baby and hear him say, "Mom," for the first time, but I also get to spend eternity with my Savior, which is far greater.